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| Yeah I kinda just dropped this again. I can't help it. With kids, video games, and role playing sites (Why yes, I am a nerd, didn't you know that already?), I rarely find time to write for myself, so for all of my invisible online friends who have been patiently waiting in the wings for me to update this thing, I sincerely apologize. But to be completely honest, xanga is not nearly as important as killing off my alter ego who I have been living vicariously though for the past year or so.
Okay, well now to explain my sudden change of heart. I feel like I need to write this out even if most people won't even get to the second paragraph. They'll, like me, See the length of the post and just scan over looking for things of importance (i.e. Their name). I was going to write a blog last night, but Conan was on and I really cannot help myself. But now, I should be cleaning this house but I've spent the past 3 days doing that and I don't think this can wait any longer. There are a few things that have been on my mind as of late, Writing/Acting, Losing Weight, and Valentine's Day/My make believe Wedding. Vincent, if you make it this far I want to apologize if anything I write hurts your ego/feelings.
Lets start at the beginning. In don't want to be a writer. Honestly. I have a half of a novel, half of a short story and a finished short story I wrote, but I really don't want to publish anything or be a "writer". I have had people theoretically roll their eyes when I tell them this, but really I don't. I want to make movies. I want these ideas in my brain to transfigure themselves into pictures. I have pretty much abandoned the dream of me acting. Although I love it I am honest enough with myself to know that I am not the kind of person that people want to see in their Indie film or romantic comedy. And it hurts, but what the hell am I supposed to do about it? Anyway, this isn't meant to be a pity party for me, but well I'm sure it's gonna end up being one. Get out the party hats people, cause here we go.
I have one cousin on my fathers side of the family who is older than me. And if any of you don't already know my dad's entire family are as rich as sin. Seriously. I'm not exaggerating. My uncle works as a film editor for Disney. It's ridiculous how much money they make. My dad just happened to be the fuck up of the family. Go Dad. Anyway, This cousin, let's call her Katie, she went to UCLA. She is tall and thin and pretty and smart and she's a film major. She's in grad school doing what I wish I could be doing. Making movies. Is god laughing in my face or what? Haha. Not that I think god is spiteful, or exists even, but if he/she does, I bet they wold get a kick out of this. And get this, I am painfully pathetic enough to want to get buddy buddy with her just because there is a chance that I might beable to fly through that tiny window of oppotunity. And my grandmother doesn't help any. She talks the whole time I'm visiting her about what "Katie" is doing and how fun it is for her and how proud she is of her. And I will bet the odds that she doesn't talk about me to "Katie". And that is what really hurts. I mean, I love being a mother and I am very proud of my kids, but it feels like no one on my dad's side is. It's all "I talk to you in a condecending voice!" and "Why Alisha, look at what you could have been." and all I want to say to that is a big Fuck You with tears on the side. Cause it hurts, but it's true. Now don't think that I don't love my kids and my family, cause I do more than anything. It's myself that I am upset with.
And you know why I won't ever be the actress I wanted to be in Jr.High and Highschool? Cause I'm a fat lazy fuck with a thimble full of willpower. Really, i get feeling like this and I just want to stuff my face, with anything. I wish there was some thing, anything else I could do. But I eat when I feel shitty, and I eat to celebrate and I eat when I am bored. And it is the hardest thing in the word to not eat. Harder than anything. Harder than giving birth, and more painful than anything I've ever felt before. It's very close to what it feels like when my heart was broken. God, and that is painful, but that pain is practically gone now. It still hurts every now and again, but the pain I feel when I cannot lean on food for comfort, that is the same aching that just wont go away. And I still sneak the fatty foods, like if I do it in the dark I won't know that I ate it. It's rediculous how stupid I am about it and I wish I could just get my fat ass over it. I hate looking the way I do. But I don't have anyone else here who cares. Or at least if I talk to them about it, they don't understand. They dont know what it is like to go into a store and have NOITHING fit. and now I start crying and get a craving for fuck, pasta. Good thing we don't have anything in the cubords. Part of me wants to say, "Fuck all you skinny people with your small appitite and willpower." but I only want to say that cause I am jealous of you. I don't mean it and I love you all. I just want to know how you do it when you eat junk food and candy all the time. Fuck me man.
Now, I am still a girl. A little girl. I don't want to seem selfish or needy or anything like that. But I wan't a real wedding. I want something that all my friends can come to and have fun together and we can all be happy. And me and Vincent said that we could do it for our 10 year anniversary, (4 years from now), and that's fine with me. But I sincearly doubt that it will happen. and I think it's cause I've gotten boring to him. Now I know he loves me still, but he doesn't get butterflies anymore and he doesn't care about things like that. but I do, and I don't want to seem foolish for wanting this. So I don't say anything. I just feel lucky he hasn't left me yet. It's just... maybe it's jealousy, and you know what it probely is, but I still want it. Going to shannon's wedding made it really sink in. Mike's wedding did it for me too back then. And I'm sure by the time October 30, 2013 comes around I wont care much anymore, but by then it will be too late. I already feel like it's been too late. I don't know. I just don't feel like I do anything for him anymore I guess, and I suppose that happens after long enough. But I still love him and he still gives me butterflies.
Anyway, you can start reading here again if you skipped the bullshit. Don't feel bad for not reading it, I don't read your posts if it is longer than a few inches. And I didn't give you any kind of visuals to keep you entertained so I don't blame you. I do miss having friends though. I still have Alex regularly enough, and that's fine. I just always feel like I am being fake with everyone else. If you've bothered to read this far might as well give me your two cents. And I promise if you read mine I'll start reading yours.
Well, I don't know if I can keep that promise, but I'll try.
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Finally.
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| I can't wait for Vincent to wake up to see all my hair chopped off. ^_^
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